From October 2011

I lay under the covers this bright Saturday morning afraid to get out of bed.  What if today is the day the police put the eviction notice on the door?  I pray "God help show me what you want me to see today".  Eyes closed I see myself held in his great hands.  I feel safe and loved.  I remember that nothing in the world can take me from that spot.

 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea," Psalm 46

I may be moved out of my house, but God, my home, is still present in me.  So what am I afraid of?  And my children, my husband will always have that home in me.

I wake up, make coffee and drink with my bible open.  "Oh lord, I don't know what is going to happen, give me vision".  I open up to the passage about Hezikiah who was a good king

2 Chron 31:20-32:1 "This is what Hezekiah did throughout Judah, doing what was good and right and faithful before the LORD his God. In everything that he undertook in the service of God’s temple and in obedience to the law and the commands, he sought his God and worked wholeheartedly."

It makes me think of Ted who is a good husband and father, who is working so hard to provide for us but thinking his efforts are not good enough.  And yet he still fights for us, holding out hope that it will all work out. And telling me over and over that we will make it through all this, even when he is battling with himself. Like Hezekiah talking to his people;

2 Chron 32:6-8  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said

 I can hear the enemy in my head too.  "I already have you.  You will lose your home and your family will fall.  You are already in my hands, how will you be able to escape what will happen to you now?".  Hezekiah heard the enemy speak out loud as well.  His enemy yelled back;

"On what are you basing your confidence, that you remain in Jerusalem under siege? When Hezekiah says, ‘The LORD our God will save us from the hand of the king of Assyria,’ he is misleading you, to let you die of hunger and thirst….  “Do you not know what I and my fathers have done to all the peoples of the other lands? Were the gods of those nations ever able to deliver their land from my hand?  Who of all the gods of these nations that my fathers destroyed has been able to save his people from me? How then can your god deliver you from my hand? "

I close my eyes again.   The foreclosure looks like a fire burning our house down, and we in the middle of it watching it all go.  But God is with us, and so instead of melting with it all we are glowing like gold.

 "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine...

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you

3For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

13“From eternity to eternity I am God.

No one can snatch anyone out of my hand." - Isaiah 43

So here the Keys go, through the fire.  But we are together here, our family, and God. I don't know what the other side will be like, but I can tell you that God is using the calamity the enemy has brought to divide my love of people from my love of things.  And if the fire comes again, I won't be as afraid.  Because the things I have that are really good won't be snatched out of his hands.

The song of the bird sitting on top of her cage

I'm sitting on top of my cage right now.  The cage has been my house.  It's been too small for comfort, it's been run down and in need of repair, and most of all I've been unable to pay for it.  But I've thanked God for the cute little shelter that it is for my family and friends.  I sang like a little thankful bird on her nest because God has blessed me with so much.

Ted was let go from his job two years ago.  A few businesses that didn't materialize (and one in which we were horribly taken advantage of) and what feels like millions of jobs that he applied for and didn't get have made this an impossible time financially.  Suddenly we realized that we were being foreclosed on, and once the process started we were powerless to stop it.  The bank wouldn't except our late payments.  I drove on the day of the foreclosure rushing to try to pay the bank and stop them in time, and the lawyers presiding over the foreclosure wouldn't wait ten minutes, even though they knew we were coming.  In the car I yelled at God, "WHERE ARE YOU?".  Wasn't he supposed to be fighting for me in the midst of setbacks?   Providing for me in my weakness?   We had done all we could and now were losing our home.  And where was God in this fight?

Over Thanksgiving and Christmas this year I fought against my shame and my anger with God.  I was counseled by some amazing ladies and friends from church who showed me that God was really fighting for me.  That he was fighting the spirits that bore down on me with shame and abandonment  even as I was crying out for Him to do something.  That I had trouble because, "In this world we will have trouble."  And that the bank is a system of the world and therefore imperfect.  They lifted up my head and told me I was doing a great job, they actually admired me in the middle of my messieness, even when I would call sobbing and yelling and full of doubt, angry and impatient for resolution.

 It was hard work still fighting the doubt and shame.  I was petrified of having to pack boxes and having no idea where we were going.  Then God reminded me of Abraham who was commended in Hebrews 10:8 for his faith as he left his home, "Even though he did not know where he was going".  That verse made me cringe.  But I heard it everywhere like God was chasing be down with it.  So I asked him if he was chasing me down with it an he said, "That's what I do".  He chases us down with lovingkindness.  I actually laughed.  When I asked what he wanted me to do with it He said I needed to say that scripture like it was who I am.  So if I started to feel overwhelmed or afraid I would say to myself, "But Allison has faith even though she does not know where she was going."  It was hard at first but as I said it I became it.  I was a strong woman with faith like Abraham.

Ted decided to go back to school full time online in January (he had been going part time online since he lost his job) and Lord willing finish a information systems degree this year.  Shortly after this decision, God provided some money for us to rent a house (hallelujah!).  It was hard to look for a place when the Mortgage company had not contacted us since the foreclosure so we had no idea when we would need to move.  We could have a month or year for all we knew.  It felt like an anvil was sitting on top of our heads.  We prayed and felt like in March it was time to start looking.  My emotions seemed to change daily based on the houses we were looking at.   None of them were as nice as the one I was leaving.  In my head I wondered, even if we find a place how could we ever get through an application process or a credit check?

As I said goodbye to my garden I asked God for fruit trees, for space away from neighboors, for flowers.  I said goodbye to the house, and  I asked for space, a concrete floor for a pottery studio, for big walls for art to hang on, for a fireplace, for closets.  I asked God to show me what the house would be like so I would be sure it was the right place.  This might seem silly but as I prayed I kept seeing wood, trees, and an old garden, and a view.

The kids and I stepped into a 1960's ranch on a culdesac tucked between rolling hills of Blacksburg's Glade Road.  The owner was an organic farmer who had bought the property so he could work the land around it and rent out the house.  I peppered the poor, quiet man with comments about how I loved the big kitchen, the huge windows with garden views all around, and all the built in bookshelves (if you know us that is a big plus).  I asked him if I could paint myself, if I could pick out the colors,  if we could pick from the apple and pear trees and black raspberry bushes, if the double garage could be used as a studio.  I felt like Anne as she talks to Matthew (another quiet farmer) on the way to Green Gables.  I was talking so much I felt like a pest!

Meanwhile my kids ran down the halls of the house and in the yard so fast I apologized to the farmer.  We filled out an application which asked lots of hard questions.  Income per month?  Credit Check?  Ever been evicted?  References?  I asked God to open the door if it was the right one because this door was clearly not openable by me my family or our quailfications.

He offered us the house.  And later he told me it was because I offered to paint it myself.  Go figure!

I still wondered if we could have stayed in our little house longer.  Then we happily signed the lease to the farm house and three days later we got an eviction notice in the mail.  

Our eviction court date was set for 3 days after we were scheduled to move into the new house.  The number 3 is significant in the bible as being "divinely perfect".  And this all happened on the day before Easter.  I felt like God was putting an exclamation point on his perfect timing for us.

 When the farmer called, you have no idea the burden off my shoulders.  It was like the little house, the things I could never fix , the bill collection calls, the shame of not being able to pay for it, all my questions all lifted off of me.
I looked at a drawing I had done last summer, a bird being released from her cage.  It was me.  God didn't want me to stay here he had something better all along. He cares about what I care about.  He is helping me take care of my family.   I am leaving, shame free, trusting again.  Trusting deeper.  God has fought and won.  I have fought and won.  And now I am free, and I am still singing.

illustration of Roman 8:28 I did before the Foreclosure, little did I know what it says to me now!  

A friend told me this weekend that "You will sing the song of the bird who is sitting on top of her cage".   I asked Him this weekend "Why do you love me, how am I special?"  He said, "You were the bird singing in her cage before it was opened".

 Then I realized our houses, our bodies, this life, all cages.  God didn't put us in them, they are here because sin entered the world, forged long before us.  Even as I cry out "Where are You God?" he is working to free me.  He is fashioning all things in my life (good, bad, and foreclosure) even the ones the enemy tries to destroy me with,  into a key to open the cage.  We live in these cages and love each other in them we thank God for his mercies as we sing in them.  He watches in admiration and cheers us on.  But he waits for the day he can turn the key.   This is one of those days.





So excuse me if this post is too personal or revealing for you.  But I am so happy I can't hide what He has done! I refuse to stay in this cage of doubt and shame and just say, we're moving to a nicer place.  It's my time to sing.

"On the top of my cage I am sitting     Above the shame so lonely     Your kindness it has lifted me               To see the way that you see              I’m gonna sing out loud             And let my voice be heard            It’s a song of victory           And its ringing in the earth"       Melissa Hesler from the song On the Shores 

the Blind Eye

As I lingered between sleep and awake last night I saw a monster.  It wasn't cute like Cookie Monster.  First it was just one clouded over eye, white and unseeing .  Then I saw the whole monster a scaly and robust brown and it was clutching my heart.
I asked God, "What is that?".
"Self Hate" He said.
"Wherever it holds your heart it blocks the truth from being able to penetrate into that part of your heart."

   The words "You are beautiful Allison" floated back to me, things my mother said over and over when I was a teenager and I never believed.  I would retort, "You don't see me like I really am."  I would listen instead to those who really didn't know me very well, or at all.  Or compare myself to the people I saw around me, measuring myself against them as if they were the rulers to measure how I could or should look.  Later I would struggle to believe my husband when he echoed my Mom's words, "You're beautiful".  Self hate at that time had locked onto the self beauty and body image part of my heart and blocked the truth.  He only let in the hate.

I remember seeing those blind eyes of Self Hate, clouded over.   I realized what I was seeing Hate is blind.  Only Love can see clearly.  Love  sees us as we truly are.  Hate lies, but Love tells the truth.  

So go away big scary monster!

Lord forgive me for ever letting hate take over any part of my heart.  Help me diligently guard my heart with the truth, your loving words of who I really am.

Beloved
Beautiful
Perfect 
Without any stains
Fulfilling who you designed me to be.
Good Mother
Amazing Wife
Cherished Daughter

and so many more,
Proverbs 4;

20My child, pay attention to what I say.

Listen carefully to my words.

21Don’t lose sight of them.

Let them penetrate deep into your heart,

22for they bring life to those who find them,

and healing to their whole body.

23Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life

The Pottery sale was a huge success!

 I didn't know on Tuesday, when Jonathan was sick with Bronchitis and I thought I would never get it all together how it was going to pan out.  But God was so faithful to bring what He started in me to completion!

 I sold just over 400 dollars in pottery!  I also made over two hundred dollars for The Village of Hope, Mongu, Zambia.  I sold almost everything, and now my house is clean for the holidays (althought Ted says it looks like we are going to have a booksale in the basement)

.  It was such a blessing to see new and old friends, and neighbors all in my living room!  Plus it was great for the little ones to see a little store happening here, and learn about giving to widows and orphans.  So thank you so much everyone who came.

Christmas Stocking Advent Cards

I've been scheming of a way to link up reading the Christmas Story with activities for my little ones.  So I made my own advent calendar.  I have 25 little stockings (holiday socks) hanging up on the mantle, 

and inside 25 little cards.

  The kids get to take one out each day.  Then we will read each card, and the scripture written on it and do the holiday activity.  The first day as we read about new life;  "The Branch of Jesse will spring up, one who will arise to rule over the nations; the Gentiles will hope in him.", we will put fresh greenery around the house (and maybe put up the tree).  On the day we decorate Christmas cookies as we read about how Mary sang, " He has filled the hungry with good things,", and when we read about Mary and Joseph's trip to Bethlehem we will Drive around town to see the Christmas lights.  I did stick a few "Open a Christmas gift"  activities in to make it extra exciting.  I realized last year that books, no matter how much my kids like books, aren't as special on Christmas morning when toys are being opened.  So, I am planning on wrapping 3 books and craft activities and putting them on the bookshelf for these early gifts. 

My hope is that these little holiday activities will be an exciting way to make the gift of Christ real to them.  

So let me share with you my Advent Cards.  This Link leads to all 25, plus 7 blank ones in case you want to write in your own traditions. I didn't number them so that if we miss one no one will cry, but I did start with the prophesies about Jesus in Isaiah and end with the flight to Egypt.   I printed ours out on scrapbook paper that was blank on one side, cut them out, then covered them in contact paper.  Happy Christmas to you!

-Allison

Pottery Sale for the City of Hope

Planning a Holiday sale November 19th to benefit the City of Hope, an orphan home in Zambia.  I have been steadily crafting a collection of pottery to sell.   Here are a few samples;

          A butter dish

 It will be brighter and glossier once it's been fired.

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young--a place near your altar, O LORD"- Psalm 83

 A medium sized casserole dish in the "Oaks of Righteousness" theme will be glazed in glossy white.

And a large cake stand.  The spots and rim will be bright red.


Pray all the pieces fire well!
-Allison 

Oaks of Righteousness

God whispered an idea into my head, "Make pottery for Africa".  So I set up the studio in the basement.  I've had 2 days of pottery making for a big pottery sale in November to benefit orphans at the Zambia Project. 

These are the first two pieces are part of a series I am calling The Oaks of Righteousness.  They will each have part of the scripture below carved into them.

Isaiah 61;

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,^a 

2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

4They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

 I'm planning on making a tree stump cakestand to go with the series.
I also made a whimsicle cakestand;

 here's the basement space I've been making into a studio.  The lower shelves are full of older pieces and tiles. Dorathea's sculpture is on the top right hand side.  I think this sale is going to be great for my kids too, Dorathea wants to sell her own sculptures for the orphans. 

 I am making these pieces to bring the Word of God into the small moments of your day, when you are pouring coffee, or slicing bread.  They are meant to be a comfortable reminder of the truth, that you can hold in your hand. 

What's extra cool about them is that as Christmas gifts they will be a gift to orphans as well, with special tags letting the recipent know about the orphan care the proceeds of the pottery goes toward. 

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27

I'm a little excited, can you tell?  More pottery to come!