counting on a very sick week

- my big baby boy rising and falling on my chest feverishly needing his mommy
- knowing even in the ER that he is a healthy boy just momentarily sick, thank you God
-decorating cookies with Dorathea and packaging them up tight for neighbors
-finding little presents for Teddy
- Knowing that even when I loose it with my husband that he will always welcome me home
- Moments alone in the coffee shop pouring over magazines yay for solitude
-"The power of a praying wife"
- Your mercies are new every morning

Mirror

I see the stains on my knees from a life of cleaning and scrubbing little faces.  The pants are not in fashion anymore, I am not the same size I was, and my face never gets looked at in the morning mirror, and when I do look I see silver has climbed into my hair and made herself at home.  But you dear say I am lovely and more lovely and altogether lovely, and so I trade my morning mirror for your face.   She tells me I am beautiful and wonderful, and I know she sees the real me, and I am.  My clothing turns to silk and velvet in her eyes, and it is and I am.  I am not busy with drudgery but am twirling through this marriage, and their childhoods and my sweet life because you offered me romance and I said yes, and when it looks like a dirty house and smells bad she says I smell like flowers and I look beautiful and he says I am lovely.  They see that you clothe me in beauty and bejewel my hair with your approval and I say yes to my reflection which today was in a toddler smiling at the new sun through the window and a little girl's morning toe-tapping dance of praise, and you in my hair crowning silver and in my heart saying well done beautiful one, and I say yes, yes, yes!

Mud, bath, and flowers.

Her raincoat is on, umbrella in her hand.  Her barefeet in July mud splashing, laughing, squishing.  

My girl.  

I leave her to her fun.  Then, "mommy, I'm ready to come in now" Me- "Ok, stand on the big rock I'll get a soft towel".  I wash her feet, unpeel wet layers.  "How about a bath?" I ask "Yes!" she says, "Can I eat a peach after a bath?" "You can eat a peach during a bath!".  Up the stairs, I run the water, little feet go in the tub, bubbles go in.  "Mommy-"  "Yes?", "I love you more than a bath!", I reply "I love you more than bubbles!"  I love this game of her cup of love running over.  I think she is a blessing.  I leave her to her fun, door open I can hear her playing.
Downstairs I read the article about the Saussers past debt, jail time, divorce.  I sigh and share it with Ted.   Upstairs- "Mommy, I'm doo-oone!".  Upstairs she entertains me with a bath puppet show. I dry her off, we tiptoe out of her room, J is sleeping.  Downstairs we talk about the Sausser mess with Shayne.  He reads James 5 and hands me a forgiveness sheet.  I need it.  "Mommy does your stomach hurt?"  "Yes, how did you know that?" I say  "Because mine does too".  "My heart does too"  I say.  "Will you pray for mommy?"   This takes a little convincing.  But she closes her eyes and prays, "God, help mommies tummy feel better and her heart, and give her flowers, and tell her you love her".  We open our eyes "You know why I pray for God o give you flowers?" she asks "Why?".   "Because you are beautiful like flowers and you smell like them when you get out of the shower".  "Do I smell like them now?"  "No!".


50.  For four year old toes splashing in mudd
51. when little cups run over with love
52.  for the"I love you more than" game
53.  For her discerning heart
54.  For your truth through those I love
55.  For everything I need and more than enough
56.  For ordaining a  child to comfort me and give me strength today

45. Cute bear and lion on the couch laughing
34.  Chorus of Chinese ladies giggling and talking with a talkative Dorathea
35.  Running under the stars
36. Saving 75.00 on a 65.00 grocery bill
37.  Child's pose with Dorathea
38.  Sit ups a baby on my feet and on in the air
39.  Husband who cleans bathroom and goes on a hunt for flies
40. Father-Daughter Tennis
41. Little boy who stands at the door and says bye bye when you put his shoes on
42. Dorathea tickling Jonathan with bear paws of her bear costume,

43. Boys with a lion costume on who wag their tails as they hug you
29. Walking to Charlie's Chinese
30. Coffee Toffee Ice Cream after a run
26. The smell of sweet summer air at night

Women friends

Day at the lake I wave at a group of friends and unload the kids beside their beach towels.  I see myself in your mirrored sunglasses and I look huge, every other mom looks like the cute, small, women they are.  I try to untangle the comparison thoughts from my mind.  "No, I am myself, I am beautiful".  We sit and talk parenting and I soak up all the negative traits we talk about as my own parenting style.  "No we are all different and perfect for our own children"  I fight back the attacker in my head.  I begin to stop focusing on my faults and she the real beauty of these women.  Each ordained to mother our little individuals.  Each with beauty they wear on their sleeves and beauty that is uncovered the deeper into their spirits you go.  I feel more beautiful reflected in their mirrored beauty.  We laugh, we talk, we share, we kiss crying babies.




27. Clean and Asleep babies home from the lake
28. Time to breath
31.  Many Girlfriends by the lakewater
32. Babies gathered around us in the sand
33. "Mom, I had so much fun today!"- Dorathea
44. Old friends catching up in my living room with friendships that never are old
46. Holly Myers' giggle
47. Lovely women friends who don't bite at, talk about,  or make fun of each other.- such safety in that!

casting the nets

Dorathea's memory verse this week is 1 peter 5:7 "Cast your cares on Christ, for he cares for you".  I told her about what cast meant.  How fishermen cast their nets into the ocean to catch fish.  I don't know if she can understand what the verse means but time is a good teacher, if I can just plant it into her head it will be there when she can grasp it.  

I think yet again I am the one who needs the verse right now.  The Farmer simply isn't paying us enough to keep selling his harvest.  We either need to get a catch (huh, get a paycheck more like!) or cut the nets and count our losses.  I feel like our night of fishing has been long.  That like Peter, it was my idea, and I am left empty handed for my efforts, for my faith.  


Yet I can hear Jesus's voice in my head,
"Count your fish"


I fast forward to the end of the story,
Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, "Come and have breakfast." None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord.  John 21


I am eating the breakfast Jesus cooked for me and my family, counting the fish, amazed that my nets never tore. Looking at my provider in the face. 


I am provided for more than I need and all that I want
my big fish surround me, gifted children, beautiful things, a loving husband, I am so cared for, and he served me this dish with his own hands.  Those hands that provided for me make me look into those eyes that love me.


Counting the fish...
18. holding onto my favorite little girl hand as we hike
19. little chubby boy who rushes at his mommy head first to get a hug
20. Daddy who loves to carry his children on his back 
20. Flowers in my garden
21. love in my home
22. your reminder in my head as I grocery shop to "Take what I need, and that you will provide"
23. that I always have enough food
24. That my cup is always more than half full
25.  there is always enough to share 

Dorathea's last memory verse; "As for the rich in this world, charge them not to be proud and arrogant and contemptuous of others, nor to set their hopes on uncertain riches, but on God, Who richly and ceaselessly provides us with everything for [our] enjoyment.
    ¹⁸do good, be rich in good works, to be liberal and generous of heart, ready to share,
    ¹⁹In this way laying up for themselves a good foundation for the future, so that they may grasp that which is life indeed." 1 timothy 6:18
26. That I have life that is life!
25. That you prepare all these things with your own hands just because you love me.

Memorial Day roadtrip

9. Allisonia
10. Swimming in the river, the pool, the creek, and the ocean all within a week
11. Paddling my hands through blue sky waters
12. Cool green smells laced with warm Honeysuckle

13. Sweeping my daughter through the river water as she clings to me
14. visit alone to my small town library
15. Sharing blackberry cobbler at the Hillsville country store

16. Remembering we were hear a year after our marriage, a year after Dorathea, now a year after Jonathan.

starting to count...

1 . That my son has the vigor and health to cry loudly (right now)
2. 2 children that love each other
3. A reading husband
4. A sweet shelter from the storm
5. An abundance of fresh food to feed my family (and bunnies)
6. Homemade Apple pie
7. Little girls who giggle whenever they are in the water.

8. Surrounding friends in prayer when they have an important life event.